Is This Normal?

My life has been anything but “normal” for the last 4 months and, if I’m honest, for a long time before that too. I was talking to a friend yesterday and I told her that I just wanted life to be normal again where you can get up, go on with your day and not worry about anything, not have a heaviness that threatens to overwhelm constantly, and not wonder what the hek your future now looks like. This new normal is not where I want to be and definitely not where I want to stay. And yet, this is where I am and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s something I must go through. I know that and yet I want to fight it. I want to run and scream and hide! I actually would prefer mundane and boring at this point. No stress...no crazy thoughts...no tears...no pain. I want to relax, be comfortable and enjoy life and there are moments that I forget about things, but they are just that, moments. Not minutes, not hours, not days...just moments. When you go through something like this, you often look back and wonder how your life got to this place. Where was that TSN turning point? Where did life take that 90 degree turn for the worse? Did I miss something? How could love turn so ugly so fast? Was there ever really any love at all? But the answers do not come...not yet. I look forward to the day when I can look back and see with 20/20 sight and know why these things happened and what purpose they could have possibly served. Until that time, I fall back on a verse that I’ve memorized knowing that things will get better (and sometimes, I even have to have my friends remind me when I just feel like I can’t possibly go on any longer). It’s a promise from Someone who loves me unconditionally (the only One who can love me unconditionally, actually).  

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. -- Jeremiah 29:11 

You win!

No one informed me but apparently this separation/divorce thing is a competition. One I had no desire in taking part in or “winning”. But...

...if you’re intent was to make me feel unloved...you WIN

...If you’re intent was to make me feel rejected...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me lose all zest for life...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me feel hopeless...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to abandon me...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to destroy my life...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me apathetic...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me feel like it would be better if my life would end...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me feel like I’m a horrible wife...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to betray my trust in you...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me feel worthless...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me hate my life...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to put a condition on your love...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me lose any desire for my future...you WIN

...if you’re intent was to make me feel small and unimportant...you WIN

Good work...I give, YOU WIN!

(P.S. I don't always feel like this but when the low days hit as they inevitably will...this is what comes crashing down on me. There are many other days when I feel ok and I can laugh and smile but today is a low day when I find it really hard to smile and I really hate this life I am now living)

Dear Suddenly Single Mom

Dear Suddenly Single Mom,

You didn't want this for your life. You didn't choose this. This is NOT how your life plan was supposed to go. You feel abandoned, rejected, betrayed and discarded. You feel like your world is crashing down around you and you don’t want to EVER adjust to this new normal. Life was not supposed to go this way. It’s all you can do to drag yourself out of bed in the morning and when you do it’s all you can manage to feed your kids and hope they don’t see the constant stream of tears running down your face. Blood shot eyes...that’s the NEW normal. Constant exhaustion. You wake up tired. You move from bed to couch and then back to bed again. Did I remember to feed the kids today? You walk around in a haze hoping that tomorrow when you wake up, the nightmare will be over and your husband will walk in and say, “Just kidding, honey. I love you! I’d never choose to leave you for someone who I hardly know!” But you wake up each day and it’s the same. Your heart is heavy. The stress is enormous and you are now faced with making decisions about life that someone in your emotional condition should never have to make...EVER! There are times when you feel so overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, you just want to go to sleep and never wake up. How could someone who vowed to love, honor and cherish you until death do us part, now take that all back and put a condition on his love? How could the one person who was supposed to love you most in this world all of a sudden change his mind after 11 years? WHY is this happening to me?

I am talking to you, my friend! This is what I know for sure...you ARE loved. You ARE special. You DO NOT deserve this. And you can never base your worth on what that other person says about you or has done to you! God loves YOU! And He has a plan for your life. He hurts when you hurt. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world and he has given your husband a free choice. And right now, your husband is making some BAD choices which have nothing to do with you. This is about him and his selfish desires. I know it hurts. Believe me, I know! But your kids need you to be the stability in their life and they need their mom. They love you! And God has promised to take care of the widows and orphans...that’s you right now. Lean on Him. He loves you more than you know! And it’s ok to be angry, sad, scared, and hopeless...sometimes all at the same time.

A friend of mine found a fantastic song that I want to share with you that describes what you are going through and I want you to find hope in it. I know I did. It’s by a band called Tenth Avenue North. The song is called “Worn”.

Worn

I’m tired, I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed by the weight of the world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I’m too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a hear that’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

And I’m worn

Even before the day begins

I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Yes, all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

*********************************************************************************

You are not alone, my friend! Remember that you are worth so much more than you can even imagine! I encourage you to find support from friends and family and as many people as you can. You will need it in the days ahead when you feel like you just can’t go on any more. You must grieve. You are dealing with pain, suffering and loss on top of all the other things you feel. It really would have been easier to deal with death than this horrible emptiness from rejection you now feel. The pain IS real. And it is excruciating. So lean on others. Lean on God. God has an amazing plan for you even though it’s impossible to see right now. Even though you’d rather die than go on right now. There is a light...however small it is at this very moment (believe me, I know...I still don’t see much more than a glimmer...some days none...other days a slight sliver of light at the end of a very long tunnel). Because you are worth so much more than how one person defines you!

Dear Deadbeat Dad

Dear Deadbeat Dad,

Ya you...you know, the husband who left his wife for greener pastures. The one who thinks his current wife isn’t good enough to be his wife anymore but she’s good enough to raise his children 24/7. Ya, I’m talking to you. Do you have any idea what you are doing to your children? Or your wife who you so casually discarded for someone who makes you feel that illusive butterfly feeling you’ve been craving? Do you get the scars you leave behind? Do you realize that you are NOT a dad? Do you realize that you have no part in raising YOUR children? Do you have ANY idea what your wife now has to deal with on a regular basis because you were too selfish to even stop and see how your kids are struggling to process what is going on to their family that they thought was stable and secure? The anger that comes out at the oddest times...the temper tantrums...the questions. But don’t worry, your wife will take care of that. Go ahead, feel free, pick and choose when you want to be a dad. And, oh, by the way, coming around every 2 weeks for 3 hours does NOT make you a dad nor does it make up for all the time you are missing in their lives. You realize that you DO NOT get this time back, right? While you are frolicking with your new girlfriend who makes you soooooo happy, your kids are angry, sullen, withdrawn and cannot for the life of them understand why you don’t want to live with them anymore. But don’t worry, your wife will answer all those questions. She’ll struggle to be both mom and dad while making sure she doesn’t say anything bad about their dad in front of them. But don’t worry...YOU are taking care of that on your very own! They will grow up and they will make up their own minds about you. And when they see that you never call and you make the obligatory time to be with them on your 2 week visitation schedule (that you came up with on your own), do you REALLY think they are going to marvel at how great of a dad you’ve been? Do you think your daughter will want you to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day? Or your son will want to spend any time at all with his dad once he hits the teenage years? Don’t kid yourself! You don’t automatically get a relationship with your kids just because you happen to be their biological dad...a relationship takes time and effort. Both of which you know nothing about...not with your kids any way. But I’m sure the home wrecker gets ALL your time and attention...GOOD, I hope it’s worth it! I hope on your death bed you say, “I’m so glad I spent so much time with someone who had the nerve to break up a marriage and a family rather than spend time with my own flesh and blood.”

Ya, it’s you, I’m talking to! When you pull your head out of the bubble you currently are living in, it’s going to be too late. You will have nothing and no one. You will be that pathetic 50-year-old man who still thinks he has “it”. Maybe, just maybe, you should listen to everyone else who can see your life is headed nowhere good. Maybe, just maybe, you should put your selfishness aside and think of someone else other than yourself for 5 minutes and open your eyes to the truth...because I promise you, the BS you believe right now, is nowhere near the truth! But you won’t. You are a coward. You are selfish. You are a lot of other things but a father/dad you are NOT!

This is my journey...

This is the start of my journey...not necessarily the actual start but my blogging start. I need an outlet to walk this journey and I promise it's not always going to be pretty because being forced to be a single mom has not been anything close to pretty! But I promise you, it will be real. And if it can help someone else, going through this journey then great! And if it's just me that it helps, then great! Read along if you choose.